When problems overwhelm us and sadness smothers us, where do we find the will and the courage to continue?

Sunday, 8 July 2007

Warning, Potentially Pretentious.

Living in dreams of sanctuaries and romance is what I do best.
Seeing trees as virginal and untouched as a baby give a secure feeling to an insecure being.
I was certainly alone at that point.
Wondering which forest I was discovering this time, I looked up to see variants of cloud colours filling the sky - some looking seconds away from raining but I didn't mind.
Walking on and mindlessly playing with my hands for what could've been ten minutes, I found what could be called a path but was more of a scar from ramblers who'd also discovered the forest. Feeling disheartened as my discoverer persona disintegrated into just a tourist of my own thoughts, I decided to follow the path for what could've been just a quarter of a mile of meandering walkway until I stopped suddenly.
You were stood smiling there, drenched completely in your wonder and possibly expecting me.
I smiled and slowly made my way to you like 11 year old playground lovers would.
Your hair was looking so much nicer since you'd allowed it to grow, you flicked it out of your stunning eyes as I finally stopped in front of you. The smile turned into a smirk that all too often made me a little weak as you stared straight into my humble face. Getting almost too close for comfort and placing a hand on both of my shoulders, my eyes scanned your serene face as you started to push me backwards to guide me somewhere. You thankfully stopped after a few paces where I found myself against a tree and you hadn't moved away from me in the slightest. You reached up to stroke my face, the nerves I'd felt before weren't a patch on how I was feeling at that moment.
"I like you a lot," I found myself spluttering then clamped my hands over my mouth. The one secret I'd kept from everyone was now hanging in the air in front of the very person it was about.
A stereo playing in the distance caught my attention but you didn't appear to have heard it, only smiling wider at me as you drew closer to my face and I knew what was about to happen. Finally.
But it didn't.
You stopped only centimetres away from my face, those splendid eyes converging into one as you were that close. A satisfied sigh escaped your mouth, like you too had been thinking about this one moment far too long and often. Finally, you opened your mouth to whisper something,

The trees shifted into the ground as sky and surroundings became a casual lilac that was certainly familiar. I clung to you, to this moment but you were slipping away from me. I sank to the ground in defeat but it was far too soft to be the tree root under me. I saw a Miffy calendar swinging in the breeze as it dangled from a tree branch and several bats fluttering as the wind toyed with them too. Curtains fluttered from another tree and a bedside table cluttered with make up and books stood proudly were you had once been.
I knew what was happening.
I wished it wouldn't, but it always did.

My eyes unwillingly opened as my sister came bounding into the room.
"Mum wants to know what you've done to the computer," she recited, grinning with pleasure as we both knew I was always blamed for such things and a yelling match was likely to happen.

So much for sanctuary and romance.
And you'll never know who you are.